Where does blame for “mother wounds” belong?
Many articles, academic publications, books, blogs, podcasts, art installations, look partially at how unavailable mothers harm their kids. It’s true. Moms who are distant, abusive, unavailable, or addicted can have an awful impact on their kid’s lives, loves, relationships, career. Many of these note that moms who are distant, abusive, unavailable, addicted — are the way they are because, in large part, of their own upbringing. Again. True.
You can find an unlimited number of articles, academic publications, blogs, podcasts, art installations on how a father impacts their daughter’s love life, relationships, career. Again; true.
What I don’t see much of is the tie between both parent’s impact on children, specifically daughters, and patriarchy. We do not foster equal value of feminine and masculine. That should be the goal in today’s society.
We all live under patriarchy, which is a rigid dichotomy of gender roles. And we all know what the dichotomy is. Traditionally, men are supposed to be strong and feel independent, unemotional, logical and confident. Women are supposed to be expressive, nurturant, weak and dependent. One of the things I say about those traditional gender roles is they don’t make anybody happy and they don’t make for intimacy. ~ Terry Real
If you’re rolling your eyes at this point, or deciding to move on to another thing to read, you may be part of the problem. If you’re a woman rolling your eyes, or deciding to move on, you are very likely part of the problem or at the very least denying a huge part of the problem.
The idea that a deeply flawed mother is the source of a child’s poor attachment style, leading later in life to poor attachment in relationships, as a sole focus on why women feel so lost so often in navigating their way through building relationships with partners, children, lovers, coworkers and friends is disingenuous at the least and even more harmful at its worst.
While we’re accountable to take on healing ourselves as we become adults, the blame if you will, for creating these wounds does not rest on the shoulders of these moms. Or their own mothers. Or their mother’s mothers. It rests on the shoulders of a culture that “says” women are a treasure but proves over and over and over that mothers and women are objects, products, and not at all valued as peers; toe to toe partners in this culture.
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